Scientists Use Dungeons And Dragons Board Game To Determine Your Genetic Makeup

Scientists have recently determined what makes us uniquely “us” is based on a randomized roll of the genetic dice. We all have a wide array of genes when we are developing in the womb, but there is only a limited amount of gene pairings that can be combined to determine our character traits.

Dr. Thorin, a professor of human bio-genetics at the University of Sciences and Medicine, in Hamilton, noted that “it’s like a proverbial roll of the dice in the popular game of Dungeons and Dragons. I believe we all have a limited amount of these so called ‘points’ to make up our personal character and it appears that Mother Nature has a hand in which traits are level up.”

The professor’s theories are repeatedly backed by numerous high profile cases of famous people that, for a lack of a better word, put all their genetic points in one or two baskets, leaving common traits underdeveloped.

One example was Albert Einstein; not only did he give us the general theory of relativity to explain gravity; he was also instrumental in the creation of modern physics and quantum mechanics. Sadly being so intelligent left him with very little room to develop his relationship skills. This is evident when you take into account that he cheated on his first wife with his cousin; then he divorced his wife to marry his cousin; then he cheated on her with at least six different women; then he revealed that the only reason he married his cousin was because he couldn’t marry her daughter. A fact that some people believe was influential in Wooden Allen’s decision to marry his daughter.

Another example was Nikola Tesla; an electrical and mechanical engineer and physicist, who went on to invent hundreds of things. He is arguably one of the smartest men to come out of the 19th and 20th century. But once again, all the focus on scientific creativity left him lacking in basic socialization skills. He avoided human contact with other people; he never had sex in his entire life, never married, and ended up falling in love with a pigeon. Yes, you heard right folks, he fell head over heels in love with a real life pigeon.

If you’re interested in examining the distribution of your personal character traits in hopes of improving any areas you feel lacking, I happen to run a group therapy session using the latest books and expansion packs for Dungeons and Dragons every Sunday out of my office; also known as the basement of my mother’s house.

Don Kelly

During the day Don was pushing to better lives and by night he was opening for Mitch Hedberg. In this episode I learn a different depth to Don Kelly, his involvement and passion for first nation projects. These lifestyles may seem completely different but you slowly understand how both lifestyles grew from one another.

He has a Gemini nominated show, and is a Rosie Award winner for ‘Best Documentary series’. I was lucky to record this episode, enjoy!

Comedian dies from hand-job mishap.

It was a sad scene in the awful Hamilton comedy community as local up and coming comic Joseph Boozington was found foaming in his mouth with lotion smeared all over his palms while his Dave Matthews band boxers was wrapped around his ankle with a dildo stuck up his ass.

He was said to have been giving a club owner a hand-job when things got weird and the owner advised him to “stroke himself first before stroking others” – an advice that ruined his penis and life.

Close friends and relatives said Joseph was known for his insane hand-job abilities, a trait his picked from his mom who is also a Canadian comedy legend and hand-job enthusiast.

“He always tried to please everyone” said Judith Boozington his mother, former handjob person and professional blowjob person. “He offered me handjobs so many times, and I don’t even have a penis. That nigga was crazy dawg” she added.

This is not the first time a comedian has died from giving handjobs. Last year, former comedy world champion Dickson Judah died after giving himself what was reportedly 43 handjobs in one night to boost his ego for a weekend spot. Doctors said he stroked his own ego too much.

Reporter – Stanley Alotdufjobs

Offended Audience Member Leaves Comedy Club with Ear Infection

Nottawa, On. – 22 year old devout Catholic, Larissa Cunningham says she was shocked and offended by the amount of vulgarity and tasteless humor she encountered at her first and last live comedy show at Knee Slaughters Bar and Bar.

“Sex is a beautiful thing and should not be joked about. The performers could be funny, but there is no humor in pre-marital sexual encounters, nauseating nouns and obscene gestures,” says Larissa.

Larissa was diagnosed with Acute Otitis Sensitivia(AOS), shortly after the comedy show which can last anywhere from 2-6 weeks. Dr.Stereo, Local Otolaryngologist, warns that in some rare cases victims can suffer from permanent loss of hearing, direction and common sense.

Larissa adds that urine and fecal matter were the focal point of an unpleasant night and was generally confused by the amount of laughter and randomness of the material. “What do my pearl necklace and Japanese cakes have in common? I’ve never even tried a bucake. Talk about funny things like silly ghosts and sour fruit, not angry bicycles! What is a DMX?” asks Larissa.

Dr.Stereo, put a notification on the HealthNot website stating that individuals should stay away from Knee Slaughters Bar and Bar until they find the root cause of the ear infections. Those most at risk of developing AOS are:

  • Students enrolled in a bachelor of Arts or Social Science program
  • Infants
  • Individuals with sheltered lives
  • People with too much time on their hands
  • Vikings
  • Mothers, specifically yours
  • Etc.
  • Persons with doctorates in the STEM field
  • The top 1%
  • Amphibians
  • DemiSexuals
  • Type II Diabetics
  • Yo Momma
  • All Mothers
  • Etc.

Knee Slaughters Bar and Bar owner, Reese’s Pieces™, released a statement on Facebook regarding the situation on Friday, “Finding the root cause of this issue is paramount. I don’t even watch comedy it or care who is on the show as long as our patrons are ear infection free and asses are in the seats.”

Jeff McEnery


Jeff is an incredible talent, started middling at 19 and became a headliner at 24. Accomplished incredible things, but what makes this podcast worth listening to is his relationship with the dark times. He’s a guy who’s life revolved around heavy levels of social anxiety. A guy who could never talk to strangers casually, but put him on a stage or a podcast and he becomes another person. I was lucky enough to meet them both, this was a great episode! Enjoy!

Intro song by Aaron Hill

PUA Finds Book-Launch Confusing

Local Pick Up Artist Brock Middlebrook expressed confusion Sunday evening after attending what seemed to be a target-rich event earlier that day.  Middlebrook, 38, of the nice part of Vanier, described the events of the afternoon:


“I arrived at this book launch thing about 20 minutes after the opening, and was quickly shoved aside by some equality-minded women as I approached the ticket counter.  I let all the broads in the lobby go ahead of me to show what a polite and respectful gentleman I am.  I thought their confidence was hawt”.


Despite being one of only 5 men in a room of over 50 , interest in the tall, dark gentleman with chiseled features, slim but muscled build and obvious eye for fashion was spotty at best. “Lots of bad dye jobs here too.  I guess a lot of girls are in between hair colours.  It must be affecting their self-esteem”


After 90 minutes of mingling and listening to girls tell “jokes” 3-Beer Brock cut his losses.  “I heard the phrase ‘cat-hoarding wall-hitter” leave my mouth and decided it was time to punch out.  Except for that gay comic, I was the best looking girl there”


Later when a demoralized Brock was asked about the title of the book being launched, he replied ” I dunno, it was called  ‘Jesus loves carbs’ or something like that.”